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So long as those desires are consciously eroticized, fully compartmentalized, and safely expressed, you could have done everything you wanted, ASSHOLE, without harming anyone. It seems like you want out, and your wife definitely deserves better, so cop to one affair, since copping to all of them would crush her—or so you think. I made an open relationship a requirement at the start.
People are often way more resilient than we give them credit for, and convincing ourselves that our partners can't handle the truth is often a convenient justification for lying to them. While my husband had jealousy and trust issues, he hooked up with others regularly.
Which means it's both ultimatum and bluff-calling time.
So long as your husband thinks he can dictate terms by pointing to his triggers and his trauma, GMHC, he has every incentive to continue being triggered and traumatized.
On the other hand, I have been deceitful and manipulative for almost my entire adult life. Part of my motivation for writing is that I am particularly attached to the woman I'm having an affair with now, and both of us fantasize about being together openly. And these women didn't "turn into" one-year, three-year, seven-month, and four-months-and-counting affairs on their own.
But if an eroticized power imbalance—an honestly erotized one—doesn't turn you on, the creepily manipulative arrangement your husband is proposing certainly isn't going to work.But if they don't, GMHC, neither of you is going to have a problem finding a new partner.He can get himself a guy who likes being dictated to, if that's really what he wants. If your therapist is taking your husband's side in this, GMHC, get a new therapist.So with your couples therapist there to mediate, tell him your marriage is either open or closed.You're not interested in being his cuckold and he can't point to his trauma to force you into that role.
At best, you broke into (or slowed to) a trot, which allowed each one of these lady predators to overtake you. You weren't hit by a pussy meteor every time you left the house. Seeing as you're a reader, ASSHOLE, I suspect you knew an honest open relationship was an option—that ethical nonmonogamy was an option—but you didn't pursue that. Maybe because you don't want to be with a woman who is free to sit on other dicks.